FROM THE DIARY
OF THE CHILDLIKE EMPRESS
BY LYLLY

Friday, April 15: 5:05 p.m.

All is quiet, I'm laying awake in my bed, unable to sleep for my mind is filled with troubled thoughts. The doctor who came examine me today has just left. I turn my head slowly in his direction, so he cannot see or tell that I am still awake, as he leaves my bedchamber. I secretly caught a glimpse of the look on his face: he looks worried and concerned. I can see him standing just outside the half-opened doors to my chamber. My sharp ears manage to catch the brief conversation he's having with my head servant and adviser, Cairon.

"Well, what's her diagnosis?"

I can see my physician shake his head in regret.

"I'm sorry Cairon, but I do not know what is wrong with her. All I can tell you is that she very ill indeed, but for reasons beyond my control, I cannot deturnin the name or cause of this mysterious illness that has plaged our Empress. And I am sorry to say that since I do not know what has made her so sick, or why, I cannot prescribe an antidote that will make her well.

I can see Cairon's eyebrows shoot up in surprised shock.

"But. but what are we to do?"

My personal physician closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them.

"There is only one thing we can do my friend."

"And what is that?" Cairon's voice is full of near panic.

"We must send forth messengers to fetch the best doctors from all parts of Fantasia. For now I can only tell you that she need plenty of rest to keep her strength up and see to it that she does not overstress herself. Is that understood?"

Cairon bows to him. "Yes sir. I myself will see to it that messengers are sent out immediately." They shake hands and part.

They have been gone for some time now, but my heart is pounding with fear, something that I am not used to. I am laying underneath my ivory blankets wide-eyes, and my entire body is trembling. Dear god, what is going to happen to me? I blink back unshed tears that are threatening to spill over my eyes, and slowly fall into a deep sleep.

Saturday, April 28, 2:15 am

It's late, I'm wide awake, and cannot seem to go back to sleep. But there is a good reason for this: Earlier today, Cairon came in to tell me nightmarish news. He said that there is a terrible force that is starting to destroy Fantasia! After he left, my brain screamed out "No! This cannot be happening! What about my people? What are they going to do? What am I to do If I cannot save my world or its inhabitants?" Now, it is the middle of the night and I have just been awakened by a powerful dream, it was almost like a vision. In it I can see myself sending someone-a male-one a great quest to save not only myself but my people and our world. Alas, he was too far away and blurry to see him. But my intuition is telling me that with this person's help, both myself and Fantasia will be saved.

Tuesday, May 1, 4:45 am

It has been three days since I had that strange dream and each night when I go to sleep, it returns to me, getting shaper and sharper as the nights pass by. There is no doubt now, this is no dream at all, this is definitely a vision, a strong one at that. As for the male in it, he is getting clearer night by night. I can tell that he is about thirteen years of age, with shoulder-length dark hair. [it still is too blurry to determine the color] I can sense his courage, strength, and deturmionatatan. For some strange reason my heart is all aflutter but I do not know why. Strange, even though I do not know this person, I feel like I've known him all of my life. But how can this be? How can I get this sensation if we have never met? I dare not tell anyone of what I am experiencing lately for they might think surely I might be going mad. Oh, what am I to do? My people and our world are in great danger, I, myself, am in danger of dying. and here I am wide awake in the middle of the night for the third time in a row pondering over someone that I haven't even met! Great, now, I've exhausted myself and cannot write any more. I think I shall go back to bed and try to sleep before my head maidservant figures out what is going on and freaks.

Wednesday, May 21, 11:25 am

I haven't been able to write in you lately for my advisers keep sending in messengers, and doctors, and loads of others for what seems like days now. But finally, I've been able to have a break. So, here I go:

Last night, I had the dream again. [I've been having it for weeks now] but now it is more vivid and more real then ever before. And I can see the stranger who will help save us all so well that it's as if I am there with him. The peculiar thing is that I can see and hear him, but he does not know that I am there, it's as if I am a ghost. For he cannot see nor hear, nor feel my presence at all.

For another thing, the dream is ALWAYS the same: I'm standing in a large, open space, with golden-colored grass reaching nearly to my knees blowing noisously in the wind. The sky above is a brilliant shade of blue, even though in the far distance I can see a brooding, angry mass of thick, gray-black clouds. Nevertheless I can feel the warmth of the afternoon's sun upon me and the rocks nearby. I close my eyes it feels so good. It is so silent I can hear as well as feel the tickling rustle of the grass against my ivory colored gown. I smile to myself, relishing the coolness against my face. I have never in my life felt so alive, so free. A nagging feeling in my gut tells me to open my eyes. The moment I do this, my heart skips a beat, for there, to my left, on the horizon, is the handsome young stranger moving in my direction with astonishing speed. I can feel my cheeks start to burn as he comes striding closer and closer, the undergrowth of the grass lightly crunching beneath his feet. About five feet from me he stops and even though he does not know that I am there, I can see him so well it is scary.

His long hair-so dark of a brown it would look ebony in dim light-blows lightly against his shoulders. {The dream still is not clear enough to make out the fine details of his face] I can now make out the deep brown color of his dark eyes.....so intense and focused yet so beautiful at the same time........ The stranger is clad in what looks like soft animal skinned trousers and shirt that fastens below his belt baring a bit of his chest. I can feel my knees go weak, as I stare at this boy who is nearly a man. I can't take my eyes off him. A part of me is telling me that under no circumstances whatsoever should I be feeling this way......For he is nothing more then a mere commoner....while I am a royal empress.

"Yes' my intuition tells me "This is the one you must summon and send forth on a journey to save not only yourself, but Fantasia as well." My legs try to move to go to him but fail me......my arm reaches out towards him.....to touch him, to take his hand in mine own.....

My body suddenly jolts and my eyes fly open. I am no longer in that grassy field with the stranger, but in my own bedchamber. My whole body shaking and covered in sweat with tears threading to spill down my face like raindrops. I sit up quickly in the dark, using the palms of my hands to wipe away my succumbing tears. Every night since this whole dream started, I've woken up like this and every night it gets worse. It has got to the point where I not only awaken shaking and sweat-drenched, but an aching, lonely feeling that seems to have embedded itself deep within my heart. For after all these weeks I still do not know his name.

I must go now, I can hear someone coming to my bedchamber door. [I hope its not another doctor. I'm getting sick and tired of being poked and prodded all day]

Thursday, May 22, 12:45 am

What is going on? {I don't mean health -wise that department hasn't changed a bit for still nobody can figure out what is wrong with me and personally, it is getting on my nerves] Every night that I see the dark-haired, dark-eyed stranger in my dream, no, vision. My heart either skips a beat or nearly stops altogether. I shouldn't be feeling this way, he is not of my position let alone of my class! What is wrong with me? It is frustrating to know that he is there, but cannot see nor hear me at all, not knowing I am there in front of him.

Sometimes when I am awake during the day and no one is around- as ironic as this next part may seem-I can close my eyes and vividly see myself going up to him, letting him take me in his lean, strong arms, pulling me gently against him. I see myself folding my own arms around him, laying my head upon his chest, closing my eyes as I listen to the slow, relaxing, beat of his heart. It is strange how safe I feel in his embrace. For reasons that I do not know of nor can explain, my eyes start to prickle with tears, but before they have the chance to fall, I can feel this strange boy rocking me back and forth gently, his arms protectively growing tighter around my body as he whispers soothing, calming words in my ear making me feel safe and warm all over.......

No! I cannot do this! I cannot be seeing him as anything but an aquatiance! To see him as something more-like a best friend-is wrong! He is not of royal blood! My god, am I going mad?

What's that? There’s someone knocking at my door! I cannot write anymore, for I cannot let anyone know what is going on at night. I must go!

Friday, May 29, 6:15 am

I have made a decision: The time has come to tell Cairon that he must send forth a messenger to find the stranger that I will send on a quest to not only find a cure for me but to save Fantasia. I will have Cairon tell the messenger to tell the stranger come to the Ivory Tower immediately. Once here, Cairon will then tell him of what he must do. I cannot keep this up much longer, for I am certain now that I am dying. And I need this stranger's help. The reason for my sudden decision is in my vision last night I finally found out his name: it is Atreyu and the surroundings that we are standing in this vision are his home: the Grassy Plains.

Sunday, June 5, 7:OO am

The deed has been done. I cannot believe what is happening, Atreyu is here! Alas, I am forbidden to see him, even in secret, for fear that my illness will worsen. Outside, I am cool, and understanding but inside, I am enraged. Here it is: the moment of truth, the morning I had been waiting for. To finally meet the stranger who has haunted my dreams {and more recently, my thoughts} for nearly two months now, only to find out I am to not see him at all! My god, it is as if they think that I am nothing more then an item on display! To be refined, demure, fragile-looking yet full of calm wisdom, and yet at the same time I am forbidden to show courage or strength of any form. For they {some of my court, like my advisers, personal doctor, and my head chambermaid] think that a female of my position, showing any masculinity whatsoever, will weaken one's character. But, if I were a male, it would be different. I would be allowed to do all sorts of things, including interacting with my people, besides special occasions, and going on quests of my own {provided that I am not deathly ill} without any escorts tagging along. Oh, its not that I don't want to have people {like Atreyu] do it for me. It's just that I'd like to have a bit of independence and do things for myself. See, I do not want to always have to depend on a male, when I can do same thing that he can just as well. The problem is my advisers refuse to give me that chance. They think it is far too dangerous for me to go out of the Tower walls, unchaperoned. Me, I think they are CRAZY! Well, that's all for now, at least I'll be able to sense Atreyu's presence through the AURYN.

Tuesday, June 21, 1:17 am

NO! Atreyu's horse is dead! It drowned in the Swamps of Sadness. Poor Atreyu, I can feel his pain, his sadness, his heartbreak. I can feel the dull, empty, feeling in my own heart. It is as if it is aching for him, the sensation is so strong. What is going on? Its as if I am right there along with him, experiencing the struggle as he tries to free the only family he has left, {so I am told} sharing the agony and private guilt when his efforts were in vain. Even now I can feel the tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. Oh God, Atreyu, please do not give up, not when I need you the most!

July 1, 6:40 PM

I have lost track of what day it is. Is it Monday or Tuesday? Perhaps it is Friday, or maybe Saturday. But nevertheless it does not matter anymore. For some reason I have lost inner spiritual contact with my dark-haired, dark-eyed warrior for some time now. The last feeling that I received from his body was of him riding on the back of a luckdragon {Falkor, I think his name was] and that they had just encountered the Nothing. Suddenly my inner spirit lost contact with his and its been that way ever since. What could have happened to him? Is he hurt, Oh, God, please do not let him be dead! Please, anything but that! And now Fantasia is lost for sure, for as I look outside, I can see nothing but space. Its as if the Tower is floating in utter blackness. All my court has left me but surpassingly I myself am not afraid. Because in my heart I know that my warrior-knight-yes, knight. for that is as how I see him: a strong-willed, brave, loyal knight. Ready, and willing to fight and protect me and my world. Even though he has no armour, it does not matter. For in my eyes, and in my eyes alone. He, Atreyu, is braver then any real knight in shining armour could be and he WILL come.

That same day, 7:45 PM

As I was putting you back beneath my pillow, just before seven o'clock this evening, I heard something outside in the courtyard. The long silence that followed was just enough time for me to turn around and sit up straight. Then, the doors to my bedchamber close, my eyes lift to see who or what has entered and.......my heart stops. For there, walking ever so slowly toward me was.....Atreyu. His thick, dark, hair was dishevelled. His face pale, with what looked like a nasty scratch on his right cheek. Those beautiful eyes of his were red-rimmed and ringed with dark circles, making him look as if he had not slept in days or weeks, there was an even nastier mark was upon his throat. His shirt was open as if the little button holding it closed at the bottom had come loose. All in all, he looked totally exhausted.

I stared at him, transfixed, lost in the beautiful dark depths of his eyes as he stops what seems like inches from me. God, those beautiful eyes, they seem so full of sadness and remorse, my heart nearly broke.

After what seemed like an eternity, I spoke my voice so low, I was surprised he could hear it. Ever so cautiously, I asked him why he looked so sad. When he answered, his voice-filled with regret but warming my heart at the same time with its sound-he told me that he had failed me. Trying not to blush, I smiled and assured him that he did nothing of the sort. In fact he had brought Fantasia's savior with him. At this my warrior-knight became thoroughly confused asking me what I meant. At my calm response, he grew upset, saying that not only did his horse perish, but he, himself, nearly drowned, then barely escaped the Nothing. His voice rose a bit as he lashed out that his quest was all for nothing if I had known what was going to happen all along. {and in a way it was true. I did know what was going to happen, not in exact detail, but I knew that something was going to occur} Barely controlling my irritation, I told Atreyu it was the only way to get in touch with the human child that the Southern Oracle spoke of. Luckily, this seemed to calm him. But not by much, for a few minutes later the entire Tower rumbled and shook as huge mediers crashed into each other outside. Trying to stay calm {even as poor Atreyu was freaking out} I told him all about the human child hiding in the bookshop, how he'd taken the book with the Auryn symbol engraved upon the cover, and what he was reading was actually his very own story. Suddenly, after a few more minutes of calm arguing back and forth {he's almost as stubborn as I am} a huge explosion from outside shook the entire Tower and to my horror, Atreyu was knocked off of his feet, and he was lying upon the floor, unconscious.

"ATREYU!" I screamed, my heart pounding away so hard I was certain it would burst out of my chest. "NO!" I thought, "Oh, God, no! Atreyu, please don't be dead, please, I can't loose you now!" By this time I was crying so hard I thought I was going to be sick, I couldn't see through the heavy veil of tears, nor could I barely think straight. In utter desperation, I yelled at the top of my lungs at Bastian to forget what his father had told him about 'keeping his feet on the ground' [whatever that means} and to call my name. {Please, Bastian, I thought to myself, its the only way to not only save Fantasia and me, but to rescue Atreyu as well} Then I must have somehow lost consciousness myself, for the whole world went black. I vaguely remember talking to Bastian, but I was so light-headed and bodied, it seemed like a dream.

Next thing I knew I was lying flat on my back still in my chambers, with Cairon standing over me. 'Its over," I thought, "its all over."

Cairon asked me how I was feeling and I told him I was fine, but....

"What about Atreyu?" I asked, panic-stricken.

"Calm down, Your Highness." Cairon told me, "There is nothing to worry about. Atreyu is in the hospital wing and he is doing fine. And so is Fantasia."

"When can I see him?" I blurted out.

Cairon looked shocked, but recovered quickly. "Tomorrow, when you have both rested yourselves."

I did not say anything for I had fallen into a peaceful sleep with the knowledge that both my warrior-knight, and my world are safe.

Monday, July, 10, 7:55 AM

He's gone. My Atreyu is gone. Gone back to the Grassy Plains where he came from so many weeks before. I was there with him when he left on his horse, {Thanks to Bastion} at 7:00 AM this morning. Cairon was nice enough to leave me alone. Guess he sensed that the two of us wanted some privacy. A few minutes after he left, Atreyu - with his wounds healed - came out of the royal stables, leading Artax by the reins. When he saw me standing there, with my ivory-colored dress and chestnut hair [pulled back in its usual low ponytail} blowing gently in the early morning breeze, he stopped. After tying Artax safely to a nearby pole, he came over to where I was.

The two of us just stood there looking at the other, not speaking for a long, long moment. The red-golden light of the rising sun bathed us both in its warmth. I suppose fur us time stopped as we gazed against our reflections in the other's eyes. Then I felt the back of his right hand lay my left cheek. It lingered there for an eternity, before slowly, carefully, started to trace the outline of my face. My eyes closed before I could even begin to comprehend what was happening. I stayed incredibly still as his index finger then made its way over my brows, my eyes, lashes, ears, nose, and chin, memorising each and every inch of my face. When it ran along the outer rims of my slightly parted lips, my knees went weak, and it took all my strength to keep myself from collapsing. But my heart told me that even if I had fallen, My warrior- knight would be there to catch me long before I would have hit the ground.

My eyes fluttered open when I felt his hand leave my face, for a moment I thought that this was 'it'. That this was truly good-bye. But no. to my great relief it wasn't. For after giving me a few minutes to enstich his beautiful face in my mind forever, I felt his arms awkwardly encircle me. We stared at each other for a moment longer, hardly daring to believe this was happening. Then, it happened: I felt him pull me into his arms so slowly I couldn't tell if I was moving or not. As his strong, but lean arms folded securely around me, I instinctively returned his actions, laying my head against his chest I closed my eyes once more.

It was strange, I felt as if we were in the vision that eventually brought us together. Even with my eyes closed, I could feel the gentle stroke of his hands as they lightly stroked and played with my hair. I heard him heave a deep sigh before I felt the light pressure of his chin atop my head. A lump formed in my throat and I shuddered. Atreyu's only response was to tighten his embrace. Neither of us wanted to part. I could feel the familiar sting of tears attacking my eyelids once again and I squeezed them shut. Atreyu must have sensed my emotion, for -as in the dream/vision-he began to rock me in his arms like a child.

"Shhh, its all right." His voice was low enough so that nobody but me could hear him.

"Don't go" My own voice was on the verge of breaking.

"I have to." He hugged me tighter, {I thought he would crack one or two or my ribs for sure}

"I know, I know you do. but why now, it seems like you just got here and now you have to leave again."

I can feel his lips against the top of my head {if any of my advisers saw this they would most definitely faint. Especially my head chambermaid. She would ballistic.} "I know It seems that way to me too." I think at this point he kissed the top of my head, but I couldn't tell for sure, it was so light. "We'll see each other again, don't worry." But he didn't sound all too convinced.

"When?"

Another sigh, " I don't know Moonchild. I honestly don't know. I wish I did, believe me. I really wish I did."

I crack a secret smile, my head still buried in the warmth of his chest. "That is one wish I can't grant."

He grins, "Yes, that is one even you cannot do." Atreyu then unfolded his arms from around my body and stood back a little his hands resting gently upon my shoulders. Our eyes met. "Moonchild," he continued, seriousness filled his voice, " I want you to promise me something."

"What?"

Those beautiful eyes were now staring me dead in the face. It was a little scary for I had never seen him so serious. "I want you to promise me that you'll take care now. Always remember that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Even If it ten, fifteen or twenty years from now. Promise me that you send for me if need be."

My heart filled with joy as I stare into that beautiful face of his. "Yes, I will......"

Atreyu looked away for a moment, biting his lower lip, deep in thought before turning back to me. There was a long, awkward pause, then: "I know I'm no supposed to do this but....." Words failed him, but I understood what he was trying to say. I nodded. With him still holding my shoulders, I closed my eyes. A moment later I felt the warmth of his lips touch my forehead. I didn't know how my emotions would react but I never expected for my heart to crash to my feet and back again. The second his lips touched the skin of my forehead, a shot of electricity passed from what seemed like my heart to his and back to mine. I could feel his kiss lingering for what must have been forever, both of us relishing in the moment. His lips hadn't even left my forehead before I was in his arm again. We held each other tightly like this for a while longer before he regretfully released me and swung himself into Artax's saddle. He held my gase one last time before urging Artax into a full gallop. I watched them ride away. a smile lighting up my face, my forehead burning forevermore where he'd kissed me. When he was where he could see both me and the Ivory Tower in the distance, Atreyu reared Artax up on his hind legs. I saw the figure of my knight turn in his saddle, give me one last wave and a smile, then disappeared into the dawn.

I smile as I write this. everyone thinks that I'll find myself a nice prince one day. But that is where they are wrong. For no prince or nobleman could ever show such courage and emotion as Atreyu. We both know that we'll see each other again one day. Neither of us knows when, where, or why, We just know that Fate will bring us together again. And hopefully that time it'll be for keeps.

Signing off: